What year you may ask?
Why, the year that we all gather together as a country and watch four people slide a large flat stone across an icy surface toward a mark . . . with brooms.
Yes, the Winter Olympics are back and they are bigger than ever!
Sochi, Russia is hosting them this year and they have brought out the big guns.
The big ski slopes, the big expected pomp for the opening ceremonies, and of course, the big surprises when several journalists and Olympic athletes began to complain about the conditions in the Olympic Village and hotels.
For starters, in 24 hours alone 26,000 tweets have been sent using the hashtag #SochiProblems. And here are just a few of the things people had been reporting on when they had arrived to Sochi:
Next time, when you’re mounting a defense of your country’s Olympic prep, may I suggest that you leave out the part when you say that you have cameras in everyone's bathroom?
Just saying . . .
So with this many stories of Sochi’s uncompleted and unsafe facilities it has led many people to ask:
How would one survive in Sochi, Russia?
Well, my dear reader, my honest prescription, is vodka.
Scenario 1: Sochi Itself
Well, the answer is this guy:
Which seems like a legitimate enough reason to hold the Winter Games in that particular location.
Furthermore, while cold temperatures, driving winds, snowy conditions bear down on many places back here in the states, those in Sochi are enjoying sunshine and 60-degree days at the Winter Olympics.
Just to break it down for you, regardless of whether you live on the East coast or the West coast, Sochi, Russia is WARMER than where you are right now!!!
While you’re out sloshing through snow and slush, or while the wind whips you in the face, or while your hair is wet, or while your fingers are frozen, or while your demeanor is broken, guess what?
There are dudes in Russia right now who are completely shirtless because it’s sunny and hot out.
If anything, this would be your worst nightmare.
Glorious sunshine was to blame for a hole dug at the top of the women’s downhill course as temperatures rose to 61F. It got so hot on the slopes that athletes competing in the women’s downhill were forced to stuff snow down their suits just to cool down.
In fact, it has gotten so warm in Sochi, that their own snow for each of the Olympic venues began to melt. Thus resulting in Sochi’s last minute transportation of snow that they had to collect from the nearby Caucasus Mountains.
So if you’re an Olympic snowboarder or skier, you might want to trade in that snowsuit in for a bathing suit.
4 shots of vodka to get you tipsy enough to make you believe that you’re actually competing in the Summer Olympics.
So picture this:
You are on Canada’s Olympic Hockey Team.
You weight at least 234 lbs (or more) and you’re 6’4 (or more).
You arrive to Sochi’s Olympic Village and when you open the door to the room that you will be sleeping in for the next two weeks, you find this:
There’s a small twin bed, a nightstand and little else for a standard triple.
But then again, THESE ARE BEDS FOR 234 LBS HOCKEY PLAYERS!
This isn’t even the best part.
Hockey player, Zdeno Chara is the tallest player to ever play in the National Hockey League. He clocks in a 6’9. Such measurements require certain accommodations for this guy. Bigger sticks, more firmly fitted equipment.
Oh, and apparently, hotel beds with extensions like this one below:
There’s no heater either.
9 shots of vodka to help you muster up the courage to ask the fellow athlete next to you if they are willing to snuggle with you for body warmth. You will not want to remember this.
Recently, journalists have taken to the social media showing the conditions at the Sochi Olympics. While much of the complaints could be somewhat biased, how do you explain to someone that your doorknob to your hotel room came off?
2 bottles of vodka so that you can trade them in for a new doorknob and a light bulb.
Remember this guy?
Which looked something along the lines of this:
Almost as much as anything that happened in the various Olympic venues in Sochi, Costas’s eyes were the talk of the first week of the games.
Luckily no other reports of pink eye have been brought to light, but it’s still a scary thought to catch pink eye in the middle of Russia of all places.
4 bottles of vodka. Better to go blind than to go to a Russian hospital.
Except for this:
3 cases of vodka to help you try to forget that there is a picture of Putin next to your bed.
(Not guaranteed to actually work)