So it’s that time of year again.
What year you may ask?
Why, the year that we all gather together as a country and watch four people slide a large flat stone across an icy surface toward a mark . . . with brooms.
What year you may ask?
Why, the year that we all gather together as a country and watch four people slide a large flat stone across an icy surface toward a mark . . . with brooms.
The only way that this sport could ever be interesting if you add a cat to the sport, which if they ever did, would look something along the lines of this:
And it would be AWESOME!
Yes, the Winter Olympics are back and they are bigger than ever!
Sochi, Russia is hosting them this year and they have brought out the big guns.
The big ski slopes, the big expected pomp for the opening ceremonies, and of course, the big surprises when several journalists and Olympic athletes began to complain about the conditions in the Olympic Village and hotels.
For starters, in 24 hours alone 26,000 tweets have been sent using the hashtag #SochiProblems. And here are just a few of the things people had been reporting on when they had arrived to Sochi:
Yes, the Winter Olympics are back and they are bigger than ever!
Sochi, Russia is hosting them this year and they have brought out the big guns.
The big ski slopes, the big expected pomp for the opening ceremonies, and of course, the big surprises when several journalists and Olympic athletes began to complain about the conditions in the Olympic Village and hotels.
For starters, in 24 hours alone 26,000 tweets have been sent using the hashtag #SochiProblems. And here are just a few of the things people had been reporting on when they had arrived to Sochi:
On the bright side, Team USA won it’s first gold in the event of “Busting” when bobsledder, Johnny Quinn scored in the one meter door-hole that he had to create because he couldn’t get out of the poorly constructed bathroom:
With that being said, Russia has not been taking the criticism well. They claim that their Olympic image is being deliberately attacked by journalists, stating:
Good job Russia!
Next time, when you’re mounting a defense of your country’s Olympic prep, may I suggest that you leave out the part when you say that you have cameras in everyone's bathroom?
Just saying . . .
So with this many stories of Sochi’s uncompleted and unsafe facilities it has led many people to ask:
How would one survive in Sochi, Russia?
Well, my dear reader, my honest prescription, is vodka.
Scenario 1: Sochi Itself
Next time, when you’re mounting a defense of your country’s Olympic prep, may I suggest that you leave out the part when you say that you have cameras in everyone's bathroom?
Just saying . . .
So with this many stories of Sochi’s uncompleted and unsafe facilities it has led many people to ask:
How would one survive in Sochi, Russia?
Well, my dear reader, my honest prescription, is vodka.
Scenario 1: Sochi Itself
First off, even though the winter Olympic Games are held in Sochi, Russia, that may not have been the best choice. The reason being is because Sochi is best known as a beach resort. It is also the warmest place in Russia and they have (and I kid you not) palm trees in this area!
So what possible justification did Russia have to pick Sochi for the Winter Olympics?
Well, the answer is this guy:
Well, the answer is this guy:
It turns out that Sochi is one of President Putin’s favorite vacation spots.
Which seems like a legitimate enough reason to hold the Winter Games in that particular location.
Furthermore, while cold temperatures, driving winds, snowy conditions bear down on many places back here in the states, those in Sochi are enjoying sunshine and 60-degree days at the Winter Olympics.
Just to break it down for you, regardless of whether you live on the East coast or the West coast, Sochi, Russia is WARMER than where you are right now!!!
That's right!
While you’re out sloshing through snow and slush, or while the wind whips you in the face, or while your hair is wet, or while your fingers are frozen, or while your demeanor is broken, guess what?
There are dudes in Russia right now who are completely shirtless because it’s sunny and hot out.
Which seems like a legitimate enough reason to hold the Winter Games in that particular location.
Furthermore, while cold temperatures, driving winds, snowy conditions bear down on many places back here in the states, those in Sochi are enjoying sunshine and 60-degree days at the Winter Olympics.
Just to break it down for you, regardless of whether you live on the East coast or the West coast, Sochi, Russia is WARMER than where you are right now!!!
That's right!
While you’re out sloshing through snow and slush, or while the wind whips you in the face, or while your hair is wet, or while your fingers are frozen, or while your demeanor is broken, guess what?
There are dudes in Russia right now who are completely shirtless because it’s sunny and hot out.
HOWEVER, that is not good news if you’re an Olympic athlete in Sochi.
If anything, this would be your worst nightmare.
Glorious sunshine was to blame for a hole dug at the top of the women’s downhill course as temperatures rose to 61F. It got so hot on the slopes that athletes competing in the women’s downhill were forced to stuff snow down their suits just to cool down.
In fact, it has gotten so warm in Sochi, that their own snow for each of the Olympic venues began to melt. Thus resulting in Sochi’s last minute transportation of snow that they had to collect from the nearby Caucasus Mountains.
So if you’re an Olympic snowboarder or skier, you might want to trade in that snowsuit in for a bathing suit.
If anything, this would be your worst nightmare.
Glorious sunshine was to blame for a hole dug at the top of the women’s downhill course as temperatures rose to 61F. It got so hot on the slopes that athletes competing in the women’s downhill were forced to stuff snow down their suits just to cool down.
In fact, it has gotten so warm in Sochi, that their own snow for each of the Olympic venues began to melt. Thus resulting in Sochi’s last minute transportation of snow that they had to collect from the nearby Caucasus Mountains.
So if you’re an Olympic snowboarder or skier, you might want to trade in that snowsuit in for a bathing suit.
RECOMMENDED PRESCRIPTION:
4 shots of vodka to get you tipsy enough to make you believe that you’re actually competing in the Summer Olympics.
4 shots of vodka to get you tipsy enough to make you believe that you’re actually competing in the Summer Olympics.
Scenario 2: The Beds in the Sochi Olympic Village
So picture this:
You are on Canada’s Olympic Hockey Team.
You weight at least 234 lbs (or more) and you’re 6’4 (or more).
You arrive to Sochi’s Olympic Village and when you open the door to the room that you will be sleeping in for the next two weeks, you find this:
So picture this:
You are on Canada’s Olympic Hockey Team.
You weight at least 234 lbs (or more) and you’re 6’4 (or more).
You arrive to Sochi’s Olympic Village and when you open the door to the room that you will be sleeping in for the next two weeks, you find this:
It’s just like summer camp all over again!
There’s a small twin bed, a nightstand and little else for a standard triple.
But then again, THESE ARE BEDS FOR 234 LBS HOCKEY PLAYERS!
This isn’t even the best part.
Hockey player, Zdeno Chara is the tallest player to ever play in the National Hockey League. He clocks in a 6’9. Such measurements require certain accommodations for this guy. Bigger sticks, more firmly fitted equipment.
Oh, and apparently, hotel beds with extensions like this one below:
There’s a small twin bed, a nightstand and little else for a standard triple.
But then again, THESE ARE BEDS FOR 234 LBS HOCKEY PLAYERS!
This isn’t even the best part.
Hockey player, Zdeno Chara is the tallest player to ever play in the National Hockey League. He clocks in a 6’9. Such measurements require certain accommodations for this guy. Bigger sticks, more firmly fitted equipment.
Oh, and apparently, hotel beds with extensions like this one below:
And guess what?
There’s no heater either.
Have fun!
There’s no heater either.
Have fun!
RECOMMENDED PRESCRIPTION:
9 shots of vodka to help you muster up the courage to ask the fellow athlete next to you if they are willing to snuggle with you for body warmth. You will not want to remember this.
9 shots of vodka to help you muster up the courage to ask the fellow athlete next to you if they are willing to snuggle with you for body warmth. You will not want to remember this.
Scenario 3: The Sochi Hotel Rooms
Recently, journalists have taken to the social media showing the conditions at the Sochi Olympics. While much of the complaints could be somewhat biased, how do you explain to someone that your doorknob to your hotel room came off?
Recently, journalists have taken to the social media showing the conditions at the Sochi Olympics. While much of the complaints could be somewhat biased, how do you explain to someone that your doorknob to your hotel room came off?
The only explanation that I could think of is if the doorknob to your hotel room is missing, then it must mean that it had been bartered for light bulbs.
That is until the power goes out.
Or the water main breaks . . .
If all four of these things happen to you, then boy are you totally screwed.
RECOMMENDED PRESCRIPTION:
2 bottles of vodka so that you can trade them in for a new doorknob and a light bulb.
2 bottles of vodka so that you can trade them in for a new doorknob and a light bulb.
Scenario 4: Pink Eye
Remember this guy?
Remember this guy?
This is Bob Costas. He was covering the Winter Olympics until he dropped out because of a nasty eye infection.
Which looked something along the lines of this:
Which looked something along the lines of this:
When NBC’s Olympic coverage began on Thursday night, viewers across the country were likely asking themselves the same thing: Why does he resemble so closely to Mr. Peabody and Sherman?
As it turned out, something seemed wrong with Costas’s left eye and then it spread to his right eye a few days later. The infection forced Costas off the air for six nights straight. According to reports he was suffering from “a sensitivity to light and blurred vision that made it impossible to work.”
Almost as much as anything that happened in the various Olympic venues in Sochi, Costas’s eyes were the talk of the first week of the games.
Luckily no other reports of pink eye have been brought to light, but it’s still a scary thought to catch pink eye in the middle of Russia of all places.
Almost as much as anything that happened in the various Olympic venues in Sochi, Costas’s eyes were the talk of the first week of the games.
Luckily no other reports of pink eye have been brought to light, but it’s still a scary thought to catch pink eye in the middle of Russia of all places.
RECOMMENDED PERCEPTION:
4 bottles of vodka. Better to go blind than to go to a Russian hospital.
4 bottles of vodka. Better to go blind than to go to a Russian hospital.
So if you ever make any plans to travel up to Sochi, Russia, just remember that there is a way of surviving it.
Except for this:
Except for this:
RECOMMENDED PRESCRIPTION:
3 cases of vodka to help you try to forget that there is a picture of Putin next to your bed.
(Not guaranteed to actually work)
3 cases of vodka to help you try to forget that there is a picture of Putin next to your bed.
(Not guaranteed to actually work)
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